#86 - Truth in Advertising

Truth in Advertising

4/6/06 (#86)

Are you looking for a great deal on a great car? Because if you are, you owe it to yourself to come down to Bill's North Portland Pontiac, the only place to shop when you're in the market for the best Pontiac at the best price. Just look at this marmot sitting on my shoulder---would a marmot like this ever work at a second-rate Pontiac dealership? And if marmot's aren't your thing, I am thinking about getting a chinchilla for my next ad, or maybe a ferret---hey, you tell me what it will take to get you into a 2006 G6 Coupe. I'll don a chain mail jumpsuit and set a badger on my head if it will get you down here. I need to sell some cars!

Don't be fooled by the other guy's gimmicks---Bill's North Portland Pontiac is the real thing, just like it says on the front of the 28-foot inflatable clown that waves at you from our parking lot. We've been selling Pontiac's in this neighborhood for over 10 years, and we can attribute our success to just one word: Unmatched integrity, and low, low prices. How low? Well, as we always say, the lowest price or I'll eat a live snake---and in 10 years, I have never had to eat a snake. (Terms and conditions apply to this offer, visit our showroom for details.) But I will, if you can find a better price on an overstock 2005 Grand Prix with power windows, power locks, power steering, power mirrors, power trunk----imagine any part of a car and put "power" in front of it, that's the Grand Prix I'm talking about. I will not be undersold---if you find a better price on a 2006 Pontiac Solstice, then you're dyslexic.

Of course, at Bill's North Portland Pontiac, we know that it's not just about price, despite how the success of Wal-Mart contradicts that statement. When you're shopping for a new Pontiac Torrent (as the folks at Ponitac say, "the perfect balance of utility and agility"), you want more than the best price: you want the best service, too. That's why we keep the Mr. Coffee in the lobby full of the best Folger's that money can buy: you've come to expect that kind of service from North Portland's number one volume Pontiac dealer. Stop in for a coffee, enjoy a selection from our full line of gourmet pastries from artisan baker Little Debbie, and let us help you earn the envy of your neighbors by sending you home in your 2006 Pontiac GTO! That's right, Pontiac learned it's lesson on the awkwardly named Aztec---we've gone back using names that folks know and love! The modern styling of the new GTO leaves behind the dated, gas-guzzling image of the old muscle car in favor of sleek, aerodynamic styling that gives nods to the annoyingly popular Honda Civic. But on the trunk it says GTO---you'll be driving a legend! (Of course, if you liked the Aztec, Pontiac's last model to feature the perfect hybrid of utility and agility, we have a few new 2004 models in stock, and believe me, we're willing to make a deal on that new-age Edsel. We couldn't give that car away in a raffle.)

How do we keep prices so low? Simple---we cut our costs and pass the savings on to you. Take a look at our service department: Fact is, mechanical issues are rare in a Pontiac (I don't have the exact figures, but as I recall, Pontiac's brand reliability rating is over 100%), and when they arise, they're usually simple. So why have a staff of overpaid master technicians changing headlights and inflating tires all day long? We save you money by hiring those talented mechanics who refuse to comply with other dealership's "find more things to fix" mentality. (There has been no bigger boon for the auto industry than the scam known as "preventative maintenance"---at Bill's North Portland Pontiac, our motto is, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it!") Our technicians are so committed to this approach that sometimes, even if it is broken, we still won't fix it. Saving you money, that's what's important to us, which is why you're watching this ad on an obscure cable channel during Home Alone III.

I know what you're thinking: "Sure, this guy is charming, but is it all talk and no walk?" Well let me tell you, I'm a walker. Other dealers try to fast talk you, chatting like you've got a real connection, but I'm not like that. I understand that how annoying it is to have someone ingratiating themselves just to make a sale. I'm the same way! That's why I don't waste your time with a barrage of sales pitches---I'll simply follow three feet behind you to any corner of the showroom, making sure someone is there to answer your questions, and when necessary, anticipating those questions that you might not think to ask, like explaining the benefits of our rust-busting undercoat or our flexible financing options---things you would ask about if you knew they were there to ask about.

Bring the family and get down here. (But please, no dogs---turns out marmots and dogs don't get along very well. Of course, if you are coming with your checkbook, Fido is fine, too.) We didn't get to be North Portland's favorite Pontiac dealer by doing business just like the other guys---so stop in to Bill's North Portland Pontiac on North Lombard Avenue (when you see the three white-building dealerships, we're the second one on the right---remember to look for the green balloons tied to the car antennas) and see the difference.

©2006 wpreagan