#73 - Organizational Announcement

Organizational Announcement

11/6/05 (#73)

Audience: All
Date: November 6, 2005
From: William Reagan, CEO, Englishtics^TM, Inc.
Subject: Guys and Gals

Greetings:
While we here at Englishtics^TM recognize that most of you are so busy using the language that you may not have time for reading memos, there are two recent housekeeping proposals that have been approved by the board of directors, and we are excited to implement these changes. While they are not a significant alterations to the Englishtics^TM inventory, these improvements will most certainly streamline modern usage.

First, effective immediately, Gals will no longer be a recognized Englishtics^TM product. (Gals duties will hereinafter be handled by Women.) Our linguistic reconnaissance team conducted an exhaustive research effort, compiling a database of information showing a flat line at zero-usage in all demographics except for a steep spike in the sexagenarian set. Further parsing of the statistics indicated that even in that subgroup, users were predominantly male.

At Englishtics^TM, we are sensitive to the dissolution of any part of the product line, but focus groups repeatedly pointed out an irony: This synonym for "women" was rarely used by women. While no one ever indicated that it was a particularly offensive word, our other stock items used to describe women yet not used by women themselves are all of a derogatory nature. A circumstantial indictment at best, but we need to be sensitive to such trends. (Some on the board went further, expressing displeasure with what was refered to as "the inevitable nasal-esque twang" of the word, though the continued successful deployment of words like pals and shall contradicted that complaint.)

Rather than dispose of the word outright, Englishtics^TM will take advantage of Gals ample abecedarian experience in the g-a-l portion of the catalog by using the remaining stock of Gal to produce additional inventory of gall.

In related news, we are pleased to announce that with the dissolution of its opposite-gender counterpart, Guys will be promoted to the rarified air of non-gender-specific, non-number specific signifier.

Guys will be moving upstairs to share an office with our long-used and ever-popular non-gender-specific, non-number specific prounoun, Y'all. (While some of you have reported seeing youse in that office, youse is a contract worker from Pidgen, Inc., occasionally temping in the Englishtics^TM Literary Division.)

The decision to promote Guys came after serious consideration from the board. Guys has been an essential Englishtics^TM offering in the male-gender pronoun department for decades, even centuries (forgive me not having the date, but the staff etymologists are participating in an off-site team-building event today at the Crossword Hall of Fame.) However, modern usage has clearly refashioned the word, and as all of you guys know, it is not good for our business to refuse to modify our product line when the market's needs are constantly changing. (A harsh lesson we learned in our failed lawsuit against hip-hop music over the use of our once-strictly-familial term, cousin.) Those Guys, you Guys, some Guys, most Guys---these phrases are now gender-neutral elements.

With this change, Guys will no longer be accepted in sentences where men is the appropriate noun. You can address the office staff by saying, "Guys, we need to work harder", but if the office staff is already working hard except for the males, the appropriate address will be (for example), "Gentlemen, shut up about baseball and get those verbs conjugated."

Congratulations, Guys. (Sorry, Gals.)

As always, we appreciate your continued use of our products in written and verbal communications. We are excited to note that stock in both ASL Corp. (ASLC) and Braille Industries (.:.:) continues to flounder on the NASDAQ, and with continued religious and political efforts on our behalf in third-world regions, the future looks bright for Englishtics^TM, Inc.

Thanks guys.

William Reagan, CEO, Englishtics^TM, Inc.
"Silence may be golden, but words are where the money is"

©2005 wpreagan