#39 - Let the Sales Begin

Let the Sales Begin

8/17/04 (#39)

(The following item was found on the bus, and appears to be the text of a speech to be delivered to the Armour Meat Product shareholders, managers, and employees both in person and on a conference call. Actual delivery of the speech cannot be confirmed.)

Stockholders, Managers, Armour employees on site and on the conference call:

It was with great pleasure that my team, Alternative Marketing, accepted the task of modernizing the most famous jingle in Armour Meat Products history, one of the most memorable campaigns in the history of American advertising. We recognized that America would immediately reconnect with this ditty---the older crowd for nostalgia, the younger for the sheer hook-value of the sales pitch---yet despite its infectious melody, the original jingle did contain in its text several minor concerns for a modern audience.

We endeavored to revamp the ad copy so to reach the widest possible demographic. While this at first seemed a simple task, each line created notable and unique concerns. Frankly, we never got over our amazement that this politically incorrect jingle once resonated on the airwaves.

First, to refresh your memory of the original advertisement, please welcome marketing specialists Jen Dixon and Darren Ames:

(applause)

Hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs!
What kind of kids eat Armour Hot Dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids,
Kids who climb on rocks.
Tough kids, sissy kids,
Even kids with chicken pox
Love hot dogs!
Armour Hot Dogs!
The Dogs Kids Love To Bite!

(applause)

Our team deconstructed the copy line by line, identified possible weaknesses in the text, consulted with national experts in various fields, and present to you now the alternative copy that we feel will be more effective for the modern consumer.

First, let's all be realistic about the reputation of the hot dog, the ingredients of which are regularly used to convert carnivores to veganism and to gross-out school mates. Just as KFC changed their name so that it would not emphasize "fried", we recommend that Armour distance itself from the traditional "hot dog" signifier and reinvent itself with a more, shall we say, digestible name.
Recommendation: Meat franks

Second, the preferred nomenclature of the zeitgeist is not "kids", as "kid" represents a subliminal message of disregard, featured in references such as "Get lost, kid!" and "Hey, kid, what happened to your face?"
Recommendation: Children

Now on to the particulars:

What kind of kids: While this line might seem benign, the new school of interpersonal relationship methodology emphasizes an inclusive message, not one that openly attempts to delineate along presupposed expectations.
Recommendation: All kinds of children eat Armour meat franks.

Fat kids: This type of language promotes negative self-images, and considering the alarmingly high percentage of weight-challenged children, we fear this terminology might offend a large demographic. We can improve market share if we simply refer to larger children with gentler phrasing.
Recommendation: Horizontally generous children

Skinny kids: Experts assure us that "skinny", while obviously the ideal body shape endorsed by the American Advertising industry, is as harmful as "fat" to a young person who has had to endure grueling years of salutations such as "Hey Beanpole", "Look, it's the Human Coathanger", and "Yo, Before Picture, what's up?"
Recommendation: Proportionally ideal children

Kids who climb on rocks: With the increasingly sedentary lifestyle of America's youth, "kids who climb on rocks" is a demographic that couldn't keep a rock company in business. The new copy needs to be aimed at a larger market share.
Recommendation: Children who watch T.V.

Tough Kids: Child development specialists frown on the term because it implies an arbitrary scale of strength and/or personal tolerance for pain, and is exclusive of children who do not rank high on this baseless scale. We noted that the original jingle seemed to emphasize that the child group in question was presented as a bully, so we have updated the language to reflect that new mindset.
Recommendation: Aggressively Demonstrative children

Sissy Kids: Again, vernacular lifted directly from a school recess in 1962 does not resonate well with modern viewers. While the tone of the original might lead us to call for replacement with wimp, wuss, crybaby, or the P-word, once again experts advised we avoid derogatory terms and attempt to kindly describe the child of which we are speaking.
Recommendation: Gender-Neutral children

Even kids with chicken pox: How many kids get chicken pox these days? Surely not enough to warrant a full line of our melody. We adjusted the copy to utilize a more contemporary ailment.
Recommendation: Even Children with A.D.D.

The Dogs Kids Love to Bite: PETA contacted us regarding this advertising update, concerned that despite the obvious wordplay, this line promoted, even celebrated, cruelty to animals. Of course, with the conversion of "hot dogs" to "meat franks", this issue was avoided. However, behaviorists recommended against the word "bite", as children may lack the mental acuity to differentiate between "a bite of food" and "a bite on the arm." Thus, we settled on "The franks children love to enjoy", until the local welfare office intervened stating that, since some people are named Frank, the message might be interpreted as having covert sexual undertones for sexual predators.
Recommendation: The food children love to enjoy

With all of the corrections made, we are proud to introduce the new Armour jingle, revamped and ready for the 21st century. Admittedly, the changes did cause minor changes to the meter and flow of the jingle, but with proper pacing and enunciation, we feel that it is an almost seamless recreation of the original.

Please welcome back Jen and Darren, who will sing the brand new Armour Meat Frank advertising slogan:

Meat franks, Armour meat franks
All kinds of children eat Armour meat franks
Horizontally generous children, Proportionally ideal children
Children who watch T.V.
Aggressively Demonstrative children, gender-neutral children
Even Children with A.D.D.
Love meat franks!
Armour meat franks!
The Food Children Love To Enjoy!

(applause)

Thanks to my team for their impressive efforts, and thanks to the board for this opportunity.
Let the sales begin!

©2004 wpreagan