#15 - A rose by any other name...

A rose by any other name...

12/17/03

"Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople"
---The Four Lads, 1953 (later covered by TMBG)

As most musicians know, having a "working title" for a song and then trying to rename it is a chore. The band rehearses a song for a few weeks as, say, "Empty Hands", but later decides to call it "Handful of Nothing." For the next practice, the following exchange takes place:

"Let's play 'Handful of Nothing'."
(dumb looks exchanged for several seconds, no one starts)
"'Handful of Nothing', the one in D Minor?"
"Oh, you mean 'Empty Hands'?!"
(Everyone smiles and nods, reminding themselves again of the new title, and the song starts.)

Amazingly, this exchange takes place at the next 10 practices, unless it takes fewer sessions than that to surrender to the original title. It's difficult to adjust when you know something by a name---old dogs and new tricks and all.

But renaming a nation? That takes chutzpah.

How does one go about doing that? Heck, I have a tough enough time getting everyone notified of my new address when I move across town, and that's just a handful of friends and the credit card companies. (Of course, I am being dramatic: I don't have to notify the credit card companies. They always find me.) And I'm not talking about the dissolution of the U.S.S.R., where the nations are named based on their previous state names. That's just a clerical change. I'm talking about Persia introducing itself to neighbors as "Iran"; Rhodesia taking an eraser to the national stationery and rewriting "Zimbabwe" in its place; Burma donning a new badge that says, "Hello, my name is Myanmar."

I can't imagine the logistics involved with renaming one of the little green or orange puzzle-piece places in my atlas. The maps alone would be a nightmare. I wonder, is there a global clearing house of mapmaker names that you can notify for a small fee, or do you have to write to all of the mapmakers separately? And if so, what do you say? Let's imagine how they did it in Myanmar:

Dear Sir or Madam:
We are pleased to announce that Burma is now Myanmar, and as such, your map is no longer accurate. While we recognize that it's too late for the wall maps and atlases already sold, please note this change for future publication.
In addition, we are offering free Sharpies^TM to any of your customers who write to us and want to update their reference materials themselves.
Most gratefully yours,
The jubilant people of Myanmar (formerly Burma)

I assume that once the decision is made, the governing administration would have to create a new "Department of Corrections" that researches every possible appearance of "Burma" in the world. I picture the computer monitors in that department, framed by hundreds of sticky notes with reminders such as:

Contact:

• World Governments (Don't tell Laos, new president wants it to be a surprise.)
• Travel Agencies
• Parker Brothers (RISK^TM, the board game)
• Hasbro (create suggested questions for Trivial Pursuit^TM update)
• Placemats.com
• That company that makes the "I (heart) Burma" coffee mugs
• AKC Regarding Burmese Mountain Dog That's Bernese, not Burmese

But in the case of Myanmar, even the most diligent Department of Corrections could not foresee every possibility. For instance, what about shaving and advertising pioneers Burma-Shave? Do the little billboards have to be changed to read, "He had the ring/he had the flat/but she felt his chin/and that was that/Myanmar-Shave?" It doesn't take a Madison Ave. wizard to recognize that having to attempt to deduce the pronunciation of "Myanmar" at 60 miles an hour would qualify as a traffic hazard. (Of course, all of the Burma-Shave billboards are in advertising museums and nostalgia-geeks' garages, and no one should be driving at 60 MPH in either of those places, so perhaps I'm being an alarmist.)

And in this era of rock and roll reunions (why persevere with a new band when you can reunite the old and make bank?)(Why indeed, Perry?), Roger Miller and Chris Conely are basically screwed: They have reunited their seminal Boston band under its original moniker "Mission of Burma" for semi-occasional reunions, and while it hardly makes sense to cash in on your old name if you reform with a new name, shouldn't it now be "Mission of Myanmar"? (Fortunately for the rock and roll community, I am not aware of any rock bands that used "Rhodesia" or "Persia" in their names.)

It all seems like so much work. Thus, I have decided to hold off on my letter to the U.S. Government regarding our own nation's name change. And I admit, all of the difficult logistics aside, I think "South Canada" was going to be a hard sell anyway.

©2003 wpreagan