This Valium Makes the War on Drugs Much More Palatable
7/25/04 (#36)
I don't hear much about the war on drugs anymore. It has been said that the war on drugs was declared because presidential administrations are most effective in achieving their goals during a wartime mentality. In the waning days of the 20th century, we had to search diligently for an enemy, and thus, the "War" on drugs. But now with the war on terrorism, war in Iraq, and a continuing presence in Afghanistan, we don't need to conjure adversaries. Drugs have been reclassified from "Menace" to "Scourge".
And that's a shame, because as advertisers have shown me, marijuana should definitely be included as part of the axis of evil. I have never smoked pot, but I don't feel it necessary to experience something in order to have an opinion on it, be it Michael Moore, movies about Jesus, or drugs. I have been seeing a series of ads on T.V. over the last few months that clearly depict the harrowing world of the dope fiend, and frankly, the stories have several times almost ruined my enjoyment of "Survivor".
For instance, that ad that features the little girl walking out to the unattended pool while the baby sitters pay no attention: At first, I thought it was going to be a scare spot for neglectful caregivers who don't bother to keep an eye on a mobile infant, that the baby might drown because they didn't install even a modicum of safety restraints, baby gates, or even close the doors that allow access to the pool. As I watched, I wondered what could lead to such disregard on the part of the caregiver? Was the Mom talking incessantly on her cell phone to ensure she didn't waste her free minutes? Was the brother so absorbed in Nintendo that he was oblivious to the toddler's existence? Was Dad marinating in his 3rd Gin and Tonic while watching the sport scores on TV?
As it turns out, none of the above. It was actually the fault of pot. And to that, let me say, "Whew!" I thought they were implying that I should give up cell phones and video games and gin so that I can be a better parent, and I really have no desire for such a lifestyle change. But the problem is pot, so I'll raise a glass to that. That's why weed is part of the axis of evil, and video games, cell phones, and gin are a part of every patriotic American household. (If we don't buy them, the terrorists win.)
Then there's the ad about the kids who find the gun and one shoots the other. The ad gave me only 30 seconds to guess how this could happen: Are they implying that guns are dangerous? Should parents not leave their children unsupervised in a house with loaded weapons? Is it possible that movies actually have desensitized these kids to violence and watching Vin Diesel take a few bullets and tough-it-out until he could get help has taught them that bullets aren't really harmful, they only kill the bad guys?
Nope. Pot is the villain; Guns are fine. If they hadn't gotten high, they would never have even thought to look for the gun. This was a great relief, because I find actually watching over my kids to be a huge nuisance, and I certainly don't want to give up my second amendment right to store firearms in my house where the kids can find them. I'm glad the real problem was identified, and now we know how to stop it.
Then there's the ad that takes place at the swim meet, and the relay team is about to race but one of the young women isn't present so the team has to forfeit. Now this one confused me, because I don't swim, so I can't understand the mind of a swimmer. Might the problem be that some svelte back-stroker whose free-flowing hormones are being held in check by only a thin layer of tight spandex might have opted for a locker-room t�te-�-t�te with a charming diver instead of going poolside with the team? Might the problem be that the missing swimmer had been raised to value money over all else, and her after-school job prevented her from attending pointless high school varsity matches?
Nope. Teen sex? Okay. Capitalism? Okay. Weed? Not okay. Not only does pot apparently makes you join swim teams (I have never smoked pot, and have never been on a swim team---you do the math), but it then make you miss swim practice because you are so busy smoking up. What amazes me is that according to the ads, weed smokers have no sense of propriety. I drink at work regularly, but I know to do it well before the meeting, not at the moment the meeting is about to start. Apparently, weed addicts lose that crucial sense of effective deception. (I have noticed in the ads that there is apparently no such thing as a casual or responsible weed user, so I'm sure that's part of the problem.) Fortunately that's not true of liquor, since I never forget to hide my bottles in the desk drawer under my Corporate Ethics folder. No one ever looks at that.
I must confess, though---despite the convenience of blaming these ills on weed, I worried that these illuminations might lead to an examination of other recreational substances. When Rush Limbaugh revealed his much publicized addiction to prescription drugs, I feared people might want to have discussions about my Valium, Zoloft, Librium, Percoset, Ritalin, Lithium, and the other handful of drugs that make my enjoyment of a "Drug-free America" possible. Then I figured they would question why, if we are a Drug-free America, we have hundreds of television ads daily aimed at convincing us that life would be better if we were steadily medicated, and if they talked about that, they might try to stop the practice of offering prescriptions based on an "online" consultation with a "doctor", which would have been frustrating for me because my doctor stupidly insists that I can address my occasional bad moods with exercise and a better sleep regimen. (As such, he won't write the prescriptions for the drugs I need most.) I swear, I was so worried that I was sucking down cigarettes like nicotine was going out of style.
But my worry was unnecessary; advertisers have assured me that "the drug" is the problem, not "the abuse" of the drug. Rush simply lost control of his desires, he's not a criminal. (It's not like he was smoking pot.) He was simply having his maid procure a legal product by illegal means because our draconian federal laws prevented him from getting the dosages his lifestyle required. He's still a responsible, upstanding citizen. And as to the 41% of America's traffic fatalities attributed to alcohol last year, that isn't necessarily alcohol's fault. First, who can say how many of those accidents were going to happen anyway, and the alcohol was just a coincidence? Second, people drink in their living rooms everyday and no one gets killed. Those alcohol traffic fatalities should really be blamed on cars.
Wait, I take that back. I'm not giving up my car, either.
Can't that be blamed on weed, too?
©2004 wpreagan
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