Less is More...More for Me!
4/26/04 (#25)
It seems to be part of the American experience to ponder the consummate money-making scheme, an undiscovered shortcut to financial freedom. Be it a service that is not being provided or a product that is not yet available for sale, we all daydream of an idea that can be twisted into the shape of a dollar sign with the ease exhibited by a man crafting 20-second poodles from elongated balloons. No matter how admirable one's work ethic, no matter how diligent one is at their day job, it seems everyone yearns to have an ace up their sleeve so that they can quickly win the game and step away from the table rich. Unfortunately, there aren't that many aces in the world, and finding one can be harder than winning with the hand you're dealt.
The guy who thought up Kinko'sTM was really thinking ahead. He didn't invent photocopying, yet when you say "Where can I get these copied?", the obligatory response is, "There's a Kinko'sTMTM didn't invent espresso, but they developed a store into the second largest national chain, one that became such a concern to corporate giant StarbucksTM that the mega-grinder saw fit to buy SBC outright. right around the corner." Seattle's Best Coffee
And I didn't invent baldness, but that's going to be the horse upon which I will ride off into the sunset. The Less is MoreTM Hair Displacement Spa for Men.
That's right, can you believe it? No one has tapped this market yet. Hair replacement is huge business for several national firms, yet no one has yet adopted a business model for hair displacement. Look at other industries: The construction company builds, and on the other side of the coin, the demolition company tears down. Construction companies don't wait for a building to fall at their own natural state of decay---they hit it with a wrecking ball. That is the premise behind Less is MoreTM---we step in when nature is simply too slow.
Less is MoreTM will specialize in every variation of hair displacement, including but not limited to the following treatments:
The Bald is Beautiful: Let's face it, some women think bald men are much sexier, so if you're not having any luck with women who like hair, you may as well try it Reggie Miller style. Our professional stylists can remove your hair in no time, and soon you and your au natural brain cave can be out on the town driving that particular subset of the female populace crazy. (Some argue that a woman who sleeps with bald men simply because they are bald is as shallow as a man whose radar only bleeps when large breasts are in the area. But we have never heard that argument from a bald man who is getting his head polished by such a woman, so consider the source.) Release that beautiful scalp from those unruly locks, and get ready for love.
The Fakeout: How often have you been in a situation where just a little bit of baldness would have really helped? We can make that happen for you. Feeling guilty about breaking up with your girlfriend? Let us accelerate the balding process and she, being too shallow to know that bald is beautiful, will soon be second guessing her attraction to you. (She might even surprise you with a preemptive break-up!) Already made an internet-arranged date before realizing that her favorite things are country music, the bible, and the Maury Povich show? Come in to Less is MoreTM and we'll have you looking less desirable in no time. You can even select from three variations on the receding hairline, named for the effect they will have upon the person sitting across the table: The "I-just-got-out-of-a-relationship"®, the "I'm-thinking-about-getting-back-into-that-relationship-I-just-got-out-of"®, or our most effective, "I'm-sorry-I-think-I-left-the-iron-on"®.
The Career Path: Let's face it, you're too gorgeous. The moment you step into the boss's office or the corporate boardroom to talk to those monkey-suited fat cats, you know their toneless muscles will twitch with envy, quickly developing into a seething hatred for your youth and energy. What can you do to stop those losers from passing judgment on your near-perfect self? With our specialized techniques, we can temporarily adjust your physical appearance to a more human level, ensuring their jealous eye will focus on your rising-sun forehead, their hearts telling them, "I like this guy. He's human." Don't let your fabulousness get in the way of your career.
The I.D.? ME?: Madison Avenue knows, America's youth have the most coveted cache of cash per capita, their buying power far exceeding those of us who have to worry about things like water heaters, car payments, and designer drugs. That's why Less is More� will specialize in Early Inception Male Pattern Baldness. After all, what good is having all that money if you can't even catch a buzz? We expect that all of spas will be completely booked with mop-headed teens eager to adopt the hairline of a 47-year-old tax attorney.
The October Surprise: Have you always dreamed of being Mr. Clean for Halloween, but have been forced to resort costumes like Jon Bon Jovi or Jesus because of that thick tangle of luxurious tresses? In just a matter of hours, we can have you costume ready as Ving Rhames, Danny Devito, Clint Howard, or the bald/balding Hollywood star of your choice. (We will of course offer the David Lee Roth as well, though his cut looks suspiciously like The Fakeout.)
The Time Manager: Our society moves at such a breakneck speed, we are all feeling overwhelmed with our jobs, our families, our hobbies, and our TiVo. It seems the mantra of modern life is, "If I only had a little more time." Well, at Less is MoreTM, our personal consultants can work with you to find a level of hairlessness that will give you the extra time you need. No more drying your hair after showers; No more cold, wet shag of locks when traveling to lunch during rain storms; No more spending hours getting errant gum out of your hair; No more friction delays when running your hands through your mane. Soon, you'll be so productive that you will wonder how you ever tolerated hair at all.
Of course it will be called a spa because "Spa" sounds so much more relaxing and wonderful than "clinic" or "center" or "barber shop". Indeed, skeptics might scoff that Less Is MoreTM will be a national chain that could easily be replaced with a few pair of electric clippers, but such skepticism misses the point: With so many scissors in the world, why are their barber shops? With so many grocery stores in the world, why are there restaurants? Because people are lazy, and they're easy prey for a well-marketed idea. Sure, personal baggage might deter some from recognizing baldness as the elusive piece in the puzzle of their lives, but in a nation willing to buy bags of dirt, bottles of water and pet rocks, a savvy entrepreneur sees the possibilities, not the limitations.
So if next time we meet, don't be alarmed if throughout our conversation I seem to be staring 3 inches above your eyes. I'm just practicing my estimates.
©2004 wpreagan
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